Though you might think of them as the words of someone whose going to die, the're not. In some ways I'm already a dead man and in some ways I want to die. I want to die to get away form this life I'm living. Die to get a chance to redeem myself. Now you ask why do I say this? What is so bad in my life that makes me think of it? Well basically everything that should matter. But before I go further on you gotta understand something: I'm not going to kill myself. It's not woth the effort. Plus it would kill my mom and granny. This is a consequence I couldn't take even in the afterlife if there is one for me.

To start with there's money. You don't have to say it, I know that most people's problems are money reletaed. What I'm saying is that in the last 7-8 years about 90% of my problems were money related and I'm only 20. I know that a lot of people have the same problem, but this is my story not theirs. My story of how I'm cursed when it comes to money. How that curse rips apart and poisons my soul, the very core of me. I had a bad life earlier. My father left me and my mom, then completely forgot about me. I was fat even as a child, so I got picked on. I had some anger management issues with a slight paranoia that I still have. These were things that made me grow up faster, the thing that started to harden my heart. The money issues just countinued the job. From year to year it kept getting worse. At first it was something small, like not having money for a bit more expensive food, or toys. Over the years it build up to the point where we basically couldn't pay most bills. Since I got to the university things got worse. I couldn't get a job, so my mom had to pay my rent thus our home almost got taken away from us. There's a chance that it will still happen. As thing are know, I'll probably can't pay my rent right know, which means in two monts I'll have nowhere to go (though I still have some time to do something, but I don't think I'll be able to help myself). I pretty much live on the cheapest foods available (at least is has a good side: I'm loosing a few kgs). The worst part of having no money are the christmases. It kills me every year a little more to see my mother's heart brek when she can't give me the presents she thinks I deserve. But it was never about presents. It's about her. To see her happy makes me happy. To see her suffer makes me suffer twice. Every christmas standing before those so-called christmas trees (for the last few years they've been just some pine branches in a vase) hugging and crying over our miserable lives is something that can hurt a person's soul real bad.

 

On the other side of the equation stands me being lonely. Not lonely as not having friends and family and living completley alone cut off from the world. No. I have friends. Freinds that I care deeply for. People I would go to Hell for. For some strange reason whatever some seemingly random shit happend in my life, wherever destiny sent me I found friends. These people are the only thing why I say going through all that stuff was woth it. And yes, I believe in some kind of destiny, because I have to believe that everything is happening for a reason and not just some crazy, random stuff that screws me over and over again. But my lonelyness comes from somewhere else. Being someone who can see, sometimes even feel pain in other people, see the corrupted world we all live in as it truly is, I long for company. The company of someone I can share my thaughts and feelings. Someone who's able to see things as I do, someone who can relate. Someone, who's worth getting out of bed for every morning. Someone, who's worth fighting the most painful and vicious fights and die for. Someone who makes me whole. But finding this person is just a dream. I'm too affraid of being rejected, so I just stay put and watch the moment go away. I got to a point where I'm living in denial of my feelings, being affraid to admit it to myself, because than it would become true and I would have to face the truth. The thruth of my incompetence and fear. I'm affraid if I do something than that could mess up things bad. A friendship or happiness is the more important if you have to chose, when chosing one over the other could destroy both? What I know is that I want to spend more time with her. Want to know her better. Be a part of her life more than I am now. You know when I see her happy it makes me happy too. When she's sad I want to punish the people responsible for it. Most of this I can have with being friends. The ones I can't, well, maybe it's a fair trade...

 

Maybe I am destinied to be alone, to suffer. I don't know how much longer I can take it, but I'll keep on fighting till the end. Though this was only a small summary of my problems, the reasons of borderline depression, I'll keep trying to find a cure for my curse. I'll try to hope...